we have babies in Heaven
It has taken awhile for me to type about this, but I believe the Lord has given liberty to do so. In March, Billy and I found out we were expecting our first baby. What a thrilling day it was for me, but Billy was in denial. So much so that he made me go to the Dr. that day to really make sure the home test(s) were correct! So, that afternoon we verified that truly we were expecting. Wow the thrill. They did however make sure to let us know that we needed to return for our first ultrasound visit to ‘verify’ the pregnancy. The next 4 weeks went by extremely slow…extremely slow! We had no idea what to expect at the first visit, but quickly learned that it was very simple. During the ultrasound we saw a yolk sak, but no fetal pole (which would be the heartbeat). So, we all thought it might be a little early to see the heartbeat. We returned a week later for another ultrasound. This time we saw 2 yolk saks….that’s right…TWINS! but still no fetal poles. Still thinking we were early, we waited 2 weeks to check things out again. The next ultrasound was simliar…no fetal poles, but the yolk saks had grown. (It was possible that the twins were hiding). So another 2 weeks was recommended. In the meantime we had blood drawn for toxin levels, but those came back normal. A week later I miscarried both babies. I was alone, Billy was washing Mesa and my Daddy kept calling me on the phone…it was a whirlwind experience and very scary. Through the night I passed several clots of blood (the first though actually looked like 2 matching saks). So, I believe those were the babies. The babies officially were in Heaven 12 weeks into the pregnancy. The tests didn’t tell us how long they lived and due to no toxins in the blood it is possible they lived close to the time frame (of course, no real way to tell). Many of you already knew of this trying time in our lives, but I tell you, this has been the darkest trial of my life. For several days I could not think straight…sure, hormonally I was ‘off’, but I was Spiritually as well. I never doubted God’s goodness or His plan for my life, but I did wonder what He was trying to teach me by taking these babies home. A couple of weeks prior a dear friend’s baby went home to be with the Lord and the comforting thought of the twins and Emma playing together was such a sweet thought…also the thought of them knowing my nephew, Wilson was super sweet to me. However the sadness has been overwhelming. We have received several sweet notes and cards from many of you and I want to thank you so much. I have not had the words to reply, but my gratefulness is large. I have been in awe at those who have written that I haven’t had the privilege of meeting yet, but thank you, thank you…each time I opened your cards, I cried. For you to write someone you didn’t know was the most thoughtful thing ever to me. Keep praying…I have stayed in Georgia to recouperate until this week. I am thankful to Westbrook Baptist, Clovis, NM (Pastor Furgus Tunnell) for being so thoughtful and understanding…I have felt no pressure and have felt quite at home. What a great week to jump back into my duties next to Billy. In further posts, I’ll share what the Lord has been and is teaching me. I may never know what the Lord’s full desire is through this, but I know I want to learn all He has to teach me!
